What I would say if I could go back and meet myself in the past. Would I warn myself of hard times to come, tell myself to keep my head up? Would I say anything? I hope I would give myself some sound advice, but it seems that the only real way that I learn is the hard way. For example: women.
Holy fucking shit.
I am quite possibly the slowest learner that I know when it comes to women. I used to say shit like: “She has some really fucked up personality quirks, but she’s cute!” NO. No. Just fucking run. Fuck. Or better yet: “She said maybe someday you could be together, maybe you should wait.” FUCK NO. Maybe I should’ve used my time to make myself a better person, move the fuck on, and get closer to where I am going by worrying about my own shit.
I mean, yes. There’s ONE. One girl that I wish I had toughed it out and waited for. One. The fact is, though, that I haven’t seen her in person for nearly two years. She’s still around, I kept in contact, and it turns out that we’re both still interested in eachother (at which I ask “Is this real life?”). But I dropped her for a long, long time. In the meantime I went after Sarah, Kat, Autumn, Tori, Natalea, Sterling, Caroline, Two different girls named Emily, Amanda, Marisa, and Olivia. Several hurt me pretty good. These “relationships” I was getting into cut me pretty deep. I still have a problem trusting people because of it all. Were these two years a waste of time or a learning experience? I don’t fucking know.
I know that I could’ve spent this whole time talking to Jess. That if I could’ve had the strength to go on I wouldn’t feel guilty. Even though she moved farther away. Even though the distance was what got to me. I should’ve stuck around. Or something. At least that’s how I feel now. Every smile of hers I see over skype is a little reminder that I fell the fuck apart somewhere back there.
But who’s to say that this is going to turn out well? In the past it’s be ME that’s been the fucking problem. Not enough communication. Not enough trust. Nothing at all. Fuck it makes me sick.
Just give me my boots to lace up, my kevlar to put on, and an objective to complete.
At least that I know I’m good at.